Woman Inside the Ass Kicking Wardrobe:Whatsername
by RubysArms
Summary: I always knew it was coming. I saw the way she sipped her martini, the way she fluttered her eyes, the way she smiled so poignantly.  I guess I always just thought she’d take me with her. I guess i didn't mean as much to her as she did to me...
1. This Love

I always knew it was coming. I saw the way she sipped her martini, the way she fluttered her eyes, the way she smiled so poignantly. I guess I always just thought she'd take me with her.

Karen and I had been having an affair for quite some time now. It was a routine. She would kiss Stan goodbye and come and meet me in a hotel room that she almost always paid for. If I didn't see her one-day, she would whisper in my ear how much she had missed me, I never really believed her.

One day her head was resting on my chest, her skin was so soft. "Do you ever want to just, leave?" she asked very matter-of-factly. I thought for a moment and said, "Doesn't everyone?" I ran my fingers through her hair and she appeared to be concentrating on something. "I want to leave," she said. She sat up and looked at me. "And go where?" I ask, although I think we both knew it didn't matter where, as long as it was far away form New York, from responsibility, age, commitments and everything that our life had consisted of this far.

I wanted to go with her, I really did.

"We should go somewhere, just, you and me get away for awhile, what do you think? We can tell Gracie and Jack we have business," I say. She smiled insincerely and took my hand in hers almost playfully and said without looking me in the eye, "I didn't mean for awhile, and I didn't really mean us, Will."

I sat up too.

"Hmm," I said. "You mean leave? You would do that to me? You would leave me here?" She looked ashamed now and I really didn't intend to that to her, of course I didn't and she said, "No I guess not," not very convincing. "I just want you to be happy Kare," and that was the end of that conversation. I had hoped it was just a little phase she was going through and that she didn't really want to leave me, I didn't know if I could live without her, as dramatic as that sounded.

I walked into my apartment, Grace and Jack were cooking in the kitchen, or attempting to. Don't get me wrong, I love them both dearly, but nothing they say interests me. Does that sound bad? It's like, I've already heard everything they possibly have to say. Grace tells me a story about something that happened to her at the grocery store today and I fake smile and nod, while thinking about Karen.

"So, you have been working late a lot lately," noted Grace. I chuckled nervously. "Yeah, it's been really busy around the office lately," Grace thought for a minute and then said with no irony, "Yeah Karen has been leaving early lately, I mean that isn't very unusual, but she has been leaving coincidentally at the same time… I wonder where she is going," she looked at Jack who shrugged.

"Ah, she is probably going off to some bar to patronize the alcohol flow," they laughed and I slapped myself on the inside for making such a remark about the most important person in my life. I had to though, have to keep them stupid, (Which didn't take much, actually…hmm, that was mean too…. I think, oh well.

"Are you hungry?" asked Grace. It was a nice gesture, I don't know why I had to be rude, but I say, "You cooked? Not anymore I'm not." She made a funny face, I don't think I hurt her feelings; she thought I was kidding after all.

I don't know why I have to be sarcastic and rude, maybe it's just due to years of pretending to enjoy the conversation, day after day of fake smiles and laughs…I was never actually interested in conversation anymore and I didn't even realize it until I started talking to Karen…it was odd. I began talking to her and everything anyone else thought about saying seemed half as important. She didn't have to say anything at all… she was still more interesting.

How did we begin…Karen and I, that is? Hmm, well I had walked into Grace's office to find Karen crying. It was a very rare phenomenon. She had quickly attempted to wipe her tears but I just walked up and held her hand. I never asked her why she was crying; I didn't really need to. She stood up to get some tissues from Grace's desk, but I didn't move and she ended up being too close to my mouth to resist a kiss.

Our lips touched and I felt her pull away a tad but I didn't back off. She leaned into the desk and it backed up a little. I put my hand on her cheek, her soft cheek. "Will, I can't," she said softly. "Yes you can," I told her and she didn't question it ever again. I heard the service elevator coming up so I backed off of her. Grace walked in. "Hey Will! Karen did anyone call?" I laughed to myself a little because while we were kissing someone had called and she had picked it up and hung it up.

"No honey, no one called," she resisted eye contact with me, at first I thought it was out of shame, what we had done, but later on she told me that she was going to laugh if she saw I was holding back as well. I thought that was sweet, she was sweet… underneath it all.

"So what are you doin here Will?" I thumbed through all of her things; I picked up a post it and a pen. "Ah, wanted to see if you wanted to go out to dinner, I thought you would be closing up soon," she didn't notice me writing, she was too busy with whatever she was doing, which happened often. "Sure, give me two minutes."

Fifteen minutes later she was putting her shoes back on…she said the interfered with her work…

I slipped Karen the post it, who took it seductively, I peeked back to see if she was reading it, she was.

I won't tell you what it said…it was just for her…but the next day we were on the Palace Hotel Suite floor panting for breath. Her mouth hungrily overpowered mine; I've never felt more needed, more accepted.

That was it, we've been lovers from then on. No one would expect it so no one asked… it was perfect. I loved not having to explain my actions to several dimwitted people, why should I have to? I shouldn't! Yeah… Anyways, that was it. From then on we were secretly inseparable. It was improbably riveting…

My heart broke a little the day she said she wanted to leave. I didn't know what to say. Obviously I didn't mean as much to her as she did to me…. if that was the case she wouldn't be able to live a day without me. I tried to tell her that I could go with her, that I would leave everything for her, my home, my job, my friends…because if I didn't have her, everything else was pointless.

She didn't hear me.

It was like I was on mute or something, nothing got through. She would just say… "I have to Will, you don't understand," and I wouldn't argue with her, because she was always right, she always knew what to do…even if I didn't understand it, I knew she was right.


	2. Not to Sound Sorted

I loved our hotel "meetings" I really did, but I always imagined something more. I imagined what it would be like to go far away from New York, where no one knew me and I could walk around the streets with Karen, hold her close to me and kiss her and no one would question it, they wouldn't look down on us for being in love.

I always thought being gay was the hard part…who ever thought that straight would cause me the most problems.

I walked into Karen's manse; she had assured me it was going to be empty all day. I looked in her bedroom and no one was in it, I looked in the study, which was also vacant. I opened the door to the kitchen where she was throwing things in a pan and dancing back and forth to a song on the radio…Billie Holiday maybe…

I stayed and watched her for a minute. She was adorable. I walked up to her and she jumped a little bit, she was about to say something and I put a finger to her lips and put my arm around her waist and dipped her. We danced in her kitchen and I was home. Wherever she was, was where I was most happy. She sang along with her sweet voice that was several octaves lower when she talked just to me… I guess it was all part of her act. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy only I know the real Karen…at least I think that's the real Karen…who knows, but I really just wish she would show the world the same version that she shows me, if they didn't like it, they were stupid.

A lot of things about Karen's lifestyle were all a part of the façade. She was so enigmatic, so unpredictable; I envied that…. (Coming from the man that alphabetizes his sock drawer.)

I was never sure if what she said was her or her autopilot self. No one but her and God knew her true self. Why she hid it was beyond me…but not really. Sometimes she was blatantly subtle… if that's possible. Her anatomy was confusing within itself and that's what addicted me to her. The fact that I never knew what was coming next, I couldn't be more intrigued in whatever she was about to say, because unlike everyone else in my life, it was new and unpredictable.

I feared I was losing her, in fact I knew I was…I could tell by how she looked at me. She was bored. She was always bored.

I wish she saw herself the way I saw it. I look at her cooking, swaying back and forth to the music, smiling…. Didn't she see how incredibly perfect she was? I liked just talking to her, listening to anything she had to say. You learn a lot about a person when you shut up for a second stop talking about yourself and listen. I think that is the problem with so many people today, so self-absorbed. It's the way I had been, the way Grace and Jack were, but Karen and me, we really heard each other. We would argue just for arguments sake, and she would always end up being right.

I remember she was sitting on the edge of the bed, just looking at something…thinking. I pinched her leg and she said, "Ow," which didn't surprise me. I don't even know why I pinched her…curiosity? To see what would happen? If she had feelings? If I was really there sitting next to her?

"What?" I asked. "You pinched me," she said sounding hardly frustrated…she was always frustrated but never with me. I apologized and she smiled, then she fell back and kissed me, she always surprised me when she did that, she never made the first move. When she did it made me feel like she really wanted me, like she made an effort just to kiss me, it meant something. She would always do it at the perfect times… when I was thinking that I was the only one that felt something, or… anything. She would kiss me right when I was about to give up on her.

The romantic notion of it wasn't lost though, it was always there, there was always spark with us. She smiled when I walked in the room, unintentionally. I swooned when she fell back on the bed. Our knees went weak when we kissed.

I always left the hotel room wanting to let the whole world know that she was mine and that I loved her. It killed me that I couldn't tell a soul, let alone the entire world. I always feel stupid around her. She says things that only she knows sarcastically, like if you didn't know that you were stupid. It drove me crazy but I loved it.

I was getting older. It was odd, I couldn't remember things I had done just moments ago…did I grab my wallet? Did I lock the door? Did I put the cream back in the refrigerator? Trivial things I forgot, but nothing about her. How much a common man would render her tiny details insignificant meant nothing to me because everything was important. I remembered everything, the way her hair fell into place after she fell back onto the bed. I remembered the way her cheeks were red after I kissed her right below her bellybutton.

She would talk sometimes and I would listen to her, contently listen to her every word. "I told him I wasn't a virgin," she said as she was talking about losing her virginity to a college professor, "I mean the quick handy behind the school for ten bucks is hardly sex, letting a man twice my age feel me up in a janitor's closet to spite mom is hardly love-making. I don't think anyone could really love me if they knew me… REALLY knew me. I wish I could be completely honest with someone, anyone. I always wanted to live an extraordinary life; I wanted to change the world. The revolution is coming ya know, and all I do is sit here and drink and talk when the fucking revolution is standing at my front door," she shut her eyes…. _**i**_ shut off the light.

I always felt bad doing it. I stood up and put my coat on, she was peacefully sleeping on the bed, topless and angelic. I pulled the blanket over her and almost kissed her gently but decided I couldn't wake her. I slipped into my shoes and went out the door slowly. I wished I could see her face in early morning light. I wish I could wake up with her in my arms. Watch her eyes flutter open for the first time, and adjust to the warm sunlight that shed through the window so cautiously. I feared it would never happen, but then again, I often confused dreams with reality, why not reality with dreams?

I swipe the key and open the door to the hotel room for yet another sexual encounter with my secret lover slash good friend slash client…hmm, when I say it like that it sounds sorted... I'll just say I'm meeting Kare. I caught her looking at herself in the mirror. It astounds me how all of these beautiful women say that there are things wrong with their body…especially her who is so flawless. She told me once, "I hate my body. It's bony in all the wrong places and fat in the same. My hair is okay as long as it keeps cooperating, and I guess my eyes are alright. I hate my lips though, and my hands. I wish I were taller, not that I'm too short, I don't know, I just hate relying on Stanley to reach the pans up in the cabinets on the top…."

It was so trivial, trivial insignificant things that she said that defined her character so perfectly. She wanted to be independent and hated when she couldn't be. She felt bad about taking all of Stan's money, but it never stopped her from doing it or joking about doing it. She hated her body yet acted as if she was the prettiest thing that ever walked…which is true if you ask me. Even straight-laced Grace swooned over Karen, she was an amazing thing to look at and if she let you, talk to.

But she was so distant.

She was always so…aloof.

Kind of the way I was, just not so obviously.

She was Karen, and I loved her.


	3. Get Over It

The day she left me was wrenching, but hardly surprising. I had seen it coming for months. It had been about two years since our little dalliance had begun but it seemed less, it felt like I got hardly anytime with her at all, it felt as though those two years were only days.

Grace and Jack wondered where she went. Grace was upset for about a month, then she moved on, and hired yet another incompetent assistant to ridicule her wardrobe…. but she wasn't Karen, no one could replace her.

Jack took a bit longer. I tried to make him feel better by saying that Karen wasn't dead, she just had to get away from here, and she had to take some time off and that she would come back. We both knew I was lying. After about 4 months, he stopped mentioning her completely and it was as if she was completely erased from our lives, it was as if she had never existed.

I would pass her manse on the way to this or that and I would look up at her bedroom window…or what used to be her bedroom window and hope to see her sitting there, looking out. I would run up there and she would tell me she came back just for me because she realized I was all she needed all along. That day didn't come.

Weeks turned to months.

Months turned to years.

I remember this day as clearly as any day I had spent with her. It was February. Karen's birthday was in February...I remembered. I was in a café waiting for my coffee when I woman stepped in. She had long dark brown hair. It was down, brushed out of her face by a single clip. Her apparel wasn't the typical New York ensemble. She had a long coat that was dark green and tattered, she had earmuffs and mittens that didn't match and she was wearing baggy-ish jeans that were bleach stained and tattered.

If I hadn't heard her speak I wouldn't have even recognized her.

She spoke a few octaves lower than Karen…the way she had spoke only to me.

I almost spilled my coffee all over the place.

Did she recognize me?

I hardly recognized her.

I almost got up and picked her up and swung her around in my arms, but remembered she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. She left me with no more than a goodbye Will. No explanation, not even an address or a number where I could reach her.

I wasn't mad at her though; I didn't blame her for leaving. If I had the guts to do so, I don't doubt that I would.

She ordered what she always had ordered when she was still around, only without the alcohol, which made me smile to myself. I took a seat close to the door so I could get a good look at her when she walked out.

I wasn't going to stop her, I was just going to let her walk out, and keep going about her life, whatever that was now.

She turned away from the counter and headed towards me, completely oblivious I was even there, I was going to let her pass but I grabbed her wrist as she walked by. "Karen," I said, she looked at me with her big hazel eyes. "Will," she whispered faintly. She had thick frame glasses on, and no make-up, maybe some lip-gloss.

She pulled me up and out of the café into the winter. It wasn't that cold out, really, but it was snowing and it looked gorgeous in her dark hair. She pulled me into an alley behind the place and she pushed me against the wall, "listen William, don't call me Karen, okay? That's not my name anymore. I don't live here I don't know you and you certainly don't know me, got it?" she shoved me against the wall hard and turned to leave. "Fuck you," I said.

I was surprised it came out of my mouth but it did and I couldn't take it back…. Not that I necessarily would if I could…

She turned around and got in my face a little, "Excuse me?"

I almost smiled, but I said, "You heard me _Karen _I said fu-" she covered my mouth. "Look I know I deserve that, I know I left you, but I'm a different person now, okay? And I can't have you in my life anymore, I'm sorry."

She went to turn leave again and I said, "You haven't changed Karen," she stopped. "Sure you have new clothes, a new name, new house and new friends but that means nothing; you're still empty."

She kept walking and I slid down to the floor of the alley. I almost chased after her but couldn't bring myself to stand.

I few moments later I did indeed stand. I brushed the snow off of my pants and I walked onto the street. She stood there, snowflakes on her eyelashes; she was smiling at me, I think. She ran up to me and jumped to my lips, I held her and I kissed back.

She might be different, completely different, but she kissed the same, she still made my knees weak and my heart pound.

We made it back to my apartment, which wasn't far from the alley. Grace and Jack went to see some play and were staying the night at Jack's new place, which was across town. I pushed the door open and my warm apartment felt great compared to the bitter cold outside. My lips stayed warm as long as she kept kissing them. She took her jacket off, revealing an old concert t-shirt, I smiled since I could never picture Karen wearing anything like it. I still had trouble convincing myself it was even her. It had been 2 years since I last saw her, TWO years!

That's 730 days.

1,051,200 minutes.

She was still the same though…. she was completely different, but she was still the same. I couldn't bring myself to ask her what she called herself now because to me she would always be Karen, she would always be my Kare. I turned my fireplace on to warm up a bit.

She took her scarf off and shook her hair of snow.

She bit her bottom lip seductively.

I wanted to ask her a million questions, questioned I promised myself I'd ask if I ever did see her again. I dreamed of this day for so long, I dreamed of holding her again, of keeping her next to me and never letting her go again. I had a million things I wanted to ask her.

730 questions about each day she had been gone.

All of them slipped my mind as she took my hand in hers. I loved when she made an effort; she always did it right when I was giving up on her.

She climbed on top of me on my couch and I pushed her off.

"Why did you leave me?" I howled.

"Will," she said.

"No, no Karen I need an answer. I waited for you, I waited over a year for you and I was finally moving on and you just saunter in like nothing happened! What makes you think you can do that? You got this new fabulous life, and that's great that's great you can do that, that you can just move on so quickly and forget, but I can't… not one day out of those two years I didn't think of you. I saw your face everywhere but it was never you because you just disappeared!"

"I'm sorry, Will," she stuttered.

"Sorry? Are you really sorry Karen? If you were sorry you would've called, stopped by, wrote a letter. I didn't know if you were dead or alive and it killed me, it killed me not to know if you were safe… happy, or if you were even still around."

"I was in Vegas for six months, worked as a waitress," she said. I immediately was soothed by her voice, I almost sat next to her but remained standing. "Then I went to Los Angeles and checked into a rehab facility, it was nice actually, I got clean, made me realized how much I was really drinking."

I wanted to hug her now, I was so proud. Her and me had always talked about sending her to rehab, I thought it would help with her restlessness, her depression.

It looks like maybe it did.

"After I was done with group and AA I went to Paris for awhile, I was pretty poor and I lived on the street for a month, but I made friends with this English photographer and I stayed with him until we both flew back to New York,"

I stopped for a second, "Is this man your boyfriend?" I ask coyly.

She laughs a little, "God, no, he is gay… not like you're gay, but like Jack gay,"

She mentioned Jack…. I knew she didn't forget us.

Not like we forgot her.

I sat down next to her, "I missed you, Karen," I said carefully. She clasped my hands. "I missed you too,"

But….

I knew it was coming….

"But I don't miss me… I don't miss who I was then, I'm happier now, I feel free again, I am happy living this way."

"How long are you in New York for?"

She sighs.

"Another two weeks, then I'm off to wherever."

I wanted to cry now. I couldn't bear losing her again. I had lost her once already and I couldn't bring myself to do it again. Sure, I was thrilled to see her and I wouldn't change that but I couldn't let her leave me again…. I needed her too much. I was going with, I had to….


	4. Remember

I couldn't let her go again, not again. It would be different this time, I thought to myself as I met her in a hotel room. It was hardly as luxurious as before, but it served its purpose. Karen Walker. That was what she called herself when I had known her. I didn't know her anymore. She didn't look at me the same way, not really. There was hardship and turmoil in her eyes that were once so blank, so expressionless and empty. At least she was feeling, at least she wasn't numb anymore. That is after all what she had been running from, wasn't it?

I don't know, your guess is as good as mine.

What does anyone run from?

Commitment? Adulthood? Responsibility? Life in general?

What was life though, was it simply being able to exist on this earth? Is that the definition of life? Hardly. Life is being happy, enjoying what you were put on the planet to do. Being successful in the way only you define it.

Wasn't she that? Wasn't she 'living'? If changing you complete identity wasn't a big enough change for her, she was hopeless. I was thinking this as she kissed me, the way she used to…. the way she did right when I was giving up on her.

I opened my mouth foolishly and said to her, "Kare, can I come with you? Wherever you're going?"

She sighed and rolled off of me, I obviously wrecked her 'mood' as she called it. I always did with my rambling and talking and incessant remarks and whatnot. "Oh Will, why would you want to do that?" I looked at her as if she offended me, "Because I love you Karen," I said blankly. She rolled her eyes and lit a cigarette. She had been smoking weed a lot too when I was around…must be apart of the new image…

"Sorry Will, but you're really not apart of the game plan, you don't really fit in with what I'm trying to go for here," she said coldly. I wanted to slap her, but I never would, no matter how many times I fantasized about it. "What do you mean game plan? What _are _you trying to go for Karen? Hm?" She slapped me. "I told you not to call me Karen, and knock off your bullshit Will, I'm doing this as a favor to you!"

"Oh a favor? Really? And what favor might that be? You think I didn't move on and forget about you? I did, no one even cared you left Karen do you think anyone will if you do it again?"

"That's not my name god dammit!" she screeched. "Ugh! Why did I allow myself to do this, why did I let you think I was her, I'm not Karen, okay? I'm not…"

She got up and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. I knew her cell phone number and I called it from a payphone on the way home. I had my jacket across my shoulder because for some reason I didn't feel the cold. My mind was focused elsewhere. Elsewhere. What a wonderful place. It was her answering machine,

_  
"Hey guys, it's me, I'm not in right now so just ya know, leave a message or something,"_

_BEEP!_

"Hey…it's Will, I'm sorry about what I said, I didn't mean it at all. My world fell apart the day you left, and I can't go through it again, please please take me with you, please." The phone was disconnected before I could say, "love you, Kare…"

I walked home and looked in every store and every little shop and restaurant hoping to see her. I didn't. The next two days I was frantic trying to get a hold of her. I basically clutched my phone in my sleep in case she called. But I would always wake up with the same disappointment…. no missed calls.

Three nights later I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed. Grace was in the other room watching TV. The phone rang. I came out but I had all that foamy white goo from the toothpaste all over my lips so she answered. "Hello?" she said in a funny voice, who knows why, Grace was always playful like that, I envied it. Not really… I don't know…maybe a little bit. "Um, yeah just a sec," she said. She covered the phone with her palm and whispered, "it's a woman for you, her voice sounds…familiar," she said while scratching her head. I knew it was Karen. How could she talk to Grace, (one of her best friends and employer) and not say who it was? It amazed me how heartless she could be…. did she really change that much? Hm, that was mean…. I should take it back.

I ran into the bathroom and spit out all of the toothpaste that was in my mouth and I grabbed the phone and I said, "Hello," there was nothing on the other line, but I knew someone was there. "Will?" she said faintly. "Yeah," I replied. I shooed Gracie away but being as nosy as she is she tried to listen in. I walked into the kitchen and she kind of followed but gave me space. "I'm sorry too," she said. Hm, maybe she did change. She wasn't as proud. Something, maybe just life in general, broke her down. It was in a good way though, she seemed happier? But more real. "Can you meet me?" she asked. I looked over at curious Grace and I knew I wasn't going to get out of the house without the inquisition but I smiled and said, "Where?"

"Galaxy motel in say 30 minutes?" I hung up the phone. I walked over and put my coat on. "What? Where are you going? Who was that?"

I had two options…

Make up some extravagant lie, which would come freakishly easy to me, or tell her the truth. Grace was my best friend... I had to.

"I am meeting Karen," I say just like that. "Karen? Karen Walker?" she comes up to me. Her eyebrows crooked with question. "Yes, Karen Walker." I reply. "What? She just called just like that? Why didn't you tell me?" she was yelling now. "Why would she call you!?"

Ahh, why did I do that? There was no way I was going to get there in thirty minutes now…

"Grace I will tell you about it later, right now I have to go meet her, alright?" I finished tying my shoe.

"No, I'm going with,"

"Grace," I said, but I knew I couldn't argue.

Grace was nervously clutching my hand as we walked up the stairs to room 121. "Is she still pretty? Does she look the same?" I thought for a second then said, "She looks gorgeous, Grace, but she looks different,"

I hoped Karen wouldn't be mad at me for bringing Grace along… hmm, scratch that, I knew she was going to be mad, I hoped she wasn't going to be TOO mad.

I knocked on the door. I wondered how they would react, seeing each other. The door swung open. Karen in her glasses and jeans, looking nothing like Miss Walker. I saw Karen meet Grace's eye. Grace pulled Karen close to her in a hug. Karen looked at me in the hug, I was confused. She looked…grateful. It took a second, but Karen hugged back and some tears fell from her eyes. "I missed you, Karen," said Grace.

This was perfect. This was it. I'm genius!

I make Karen feel bad about leaving; I make her realize how great she has it, how wonderful her life really was. I make her realize it was a mistake leaving the way she did and she will stay, she will come back and stay with us and it will be just like it was only better.

That was it, I am a genius.

"Let me look at you," said Grace. She put her hands on Karen's cheeks and Karen turned red with embarrassment, guilt too maybe. "You look great,"

I was proud of Grace for not getting upset with her like I had. Not telling her to…hmm, how did I put it, ever so gently? Fuck off.

She just forgave her.

She was just glad to have her back.

There was no way Karen could leave now.

"Oh Grace, I missed you, I really did."

They hugged again and I couldn't help but smile. This had to work.

"Hey let's call Jack," I suggest. Karen doesn't say anything but I can tell she isn't too keen on the idea. I know Jack will be even more supportive of her return so I dial his number and put him on speaker. "Jack McFarland extraordinaire, how may I help you?" he answers. "Hey it's Will, you're never going to believe who me and Grace are sitting with," I say. Grace jumps with excitement; Karen holds Grace's hand. "Cher!?" he gasps. "Not this time Jack, better," he thinks and says, "Liza?" I moaned, "Just shut up and listen…. Karen." Karen flinched at the sound of her own name, well her old name. "Walker?" he said coldly. "Yeah Jack, Karen is here! You should come down here it's like a reunion!"

Even I was excited now. Karen appeared violently nervous. She had distress in her eyes and that look that said, 'Will, I'm going to stab you…. right before I thank you,'

"How sweet," he said sounding drone. "Jack, it's Karen!" I tried to emphasize. "Ya know what, she may have come back, she may think that everything is all, okay now but she's still gone to me, and I'll never again be her friend." The phone clicked hard. Everyone fell silent. Karen began to sob.

Grace comforted her and I felt guilty for bringing this all back, for forcing her to remember the life she was forced to forget.


	5. Earth To Jack or Jackie

I immediately regretted bringing Grace. Well, not really bringing her, just getting them back together. They talked and giggled and were girly and whatnot. Who knows? Grace was playfully tossing Karen's hair around making comments on how much she loved Karen's new wardrobe, and how she was shocked that Karen hadn't commented on her tasteless ensemble.

I looked at Karen. Her long hair, nothing like how it was. It wasn't up tightly in a bun, and she wasn't in a thousand dollar Armani suit, she had on some tattered jeans and a flannel shirt. I looked around at her dingy hotel room and I couldn't help but see her mansion, where we would meet and laugh and make love and memories. After she would fall asleep there would be a clock. It was gold. It was by her bedside. It would tick. It would tick me to sleep. Every tick would get louder and louder and I would wait for the bells on top to ring but they never did, they never cued me to go home so I never really did. I mean, literally I got up and left the room and went back to where I stayed, but in my head, I was still there with her.

The smell of her perfume mixed with the smell of cigars from the humidor that forever was placed next to the lamp. The clock mixed with her scent mixed with the scenery was bliss. It was blissful now too though, it was different but less glamorous.

The world is ever changing though. Good things never last long and bad things seem to last forever but nothing does. Nothing on this earth is permanent just like our lives. The earth is constantly moving, constantly recycling people as if they hadn't existed in the first place, replacing them with new people who will also be forgotten in about one hundred years. It is depressing when you think about it that way I suppose. I can't help but think of it any way but that way because that's the honest truth.

People always talk about how beautiful the earth is. How the sun rises each morning and sets each evening igniting the sky into a steady blaze. They talk about the mountains how they are tall and majestic and beautiful, they talk about beeches and oceans and city skylines and forests, but all of that will be gone. Everything will be gone. Just like Karen. She was gone, she is back but she will forever be gone.

I too will be gone; I will leave behind the world that has treated me so unfairly. That's life though, and I'm not complaining. I'm happy to be here in this awful awful place because there is nowhere else to be, and I would rather be down here suffering than not be here at all. I would rather be in pain for as long as I live just to see her smile. She is beautiful and although she will be gone and she will change, the way she was will never change within me, as long as I'm existing somewhere, whether it be here or wherever you go when you die, she will be with me. Existing forever.

"Will!" shouts Grace. I snap out of my daydream and look over at my two favorite women in the entire world. "Are you coming?" asks Karen. "Hmm? Where?" I ask. They look at each other for a moment and look back at me. "To eat? Weren't you listening to anything I just said?" Karen asks sounding frustrated; she was always frustrated but never with me.

"Oh, right, yeah," maybe it wasn't obvious that I hadn't heard a word they had just said.

A month passed and Karen didn't leave.

She stayed.

It was odd, really. Having her around. It took awhile for her to slowly come back into the group but everyone was happy. Besides Jack of course who refused to talk to her and was barely talking to us for not doing the same.

He came over one night after he was made one hundred percent sure Karen wouldn't be there. Her name was Jackie now, by the way. She had chosen it to remind herself of Jack. She really did love him, I didn't have the heart to tell them that though, I figured he would learn about it in time…and by time I mean Grace.

"Will, I don't know who she thinks she is."

Jack was very persistent. I would have assumed he would be the first to crack and go running back into her arms, besides me of course, who knew I couldn't resist her as much as I might have tried. I guess when someone really hurts you, you have trouble forgiving them. Some would argue that if you truly love someone, I mean truly love someone, that you forgive them because you just love them so damn much, but that's really not the case at all, it's the opposite. When someone you love hurts you, it hurts a million times more, because you entrusted them with your heart and when they break it, it can take an eternity to put all of the pieces back together. I was pretty sure that was what happened to Jack. Karen meant the world to me, but Jack depended on her for everything. I don't mean money and support, which she also gave, but companionship. Jack's numerous lovers were band-aids for Jack's loneliness but Karen was like a medication, that permanently made it better and when he stopped getting his doses of her, he fell apart.

"Jack you have to understand that she was unhappy here, she just had to get away for awhile," I tried to explain to him.

"No Will, getting away for awhile is going to the Bahamas for a week. Being unhappy is complaining about your marriage and job. Karen was selfish; she left. She was unhappy and she was willing to make everyone she supposedly cared about unhappy so she could find whatever it was she was looking for."

Hmm, when did Jack become so insightful?

"Jack,"

I say for no reason.

"What Will?"

I lowered my head.

"Tell me, did she find what she was looking for?" he asks. "Why don't you ask her?" I say poignantly. "If she did, if she went away and found what she was looking for with whoever she met out wherever she was…why did she come back? Hmm? Why did she come back to us?"

Later that night…much later actually, 3:26 in the morning, to be exact, I heard a knock on the door. I was thankful that I was already awake because if I hadn't been, I probably would have been upset. "Will!" shouted Grace.

I ran over and unlocked the door and let her in.

"Its Karen she's been in a car accident."

In literally seconds I was in clothes and out the door. Grace and I hopped into the first cab we could manage to locate and hurried to the hospital. We frantically moved through the halls and corridors until we came to the nurse's desk. "Jackie Burrough," says Grace. The nurse looks at her funny, Grace bangs on the counter, "Jackie Burrough, Jackie Burrough! We're here to see our friend! Where is she?"

The nurse appeared threatened, but she typed the name in on the computer and lifted a finger that pointed down a hallway. We were already moving and she called after us, "Room 217!"

We pushed the door open and there she was… "Jackie Burrough"… our friend.

Her eye was black and her neck cut up. It was worse than I thought. Seeing her like that was unnerving. It made my hands sweat and my knees feel like jello…all wobbly.

"Hey, Kare," says Grace taking her little bandaged hand in her own. "Hi guys," she said hoarsely. "Shh, shhh," said Grace. "I'm fine," said Karen swatting her off dismissively. "I didn't think you guys would come," she said while sitting up. "Of course we would come," I say.

"So what did the doctor say?" asked Grace.

"Ah just some whiplash and scratches and bruises, nothing serious I'll be out tomorrow, these idiots don't know what the hell they're doing,"

Grace chuckled.

"Oh, Will, the doctor said that my car is pretty banged up but there is still stuff in it, would you mind running down to the lot tonight to grab all of my stuff out of it, I don't want them to tow it with all of that still in there,"

Ugh, how can I say no to her?

I drove over to the lot and I didn't have to open the back door because it had completely fallen off. I looked in the back seat and there were bags….

I arrived at the hospital about a half hour later to find Jack sitting in a chair outside of Karen's room. "Jack," I say. "What are you doing here?" He stands up as if he hadn't expected to see me here. "Um, came to see," he pointed to the door and I smiled. "Don't be afraid buddy, it's okay to be mad, but you can forgive her, we did."

He went in and a few moments later Grace came out. She was smiling and said, "I called him and told him, I didn't think he would actually show up,"

"Why wouldn't he?" I say.

We sit down on the bench where Jack had been perched and Grace fell asleep in my arms. I loved it when she did that. I like holding my friend. I liked comforting.

About an hour later, if not longer, Jack strolled out of Karen's room with a smile on his face.

"How'd it go in there?" I inquired.

He shrugged but continued smiling so I knew that meant good. He yawned and told me, "I'm gunna head out, I got this audition tomorrow for some cereal commercial."

I waved goodbye to him. I slowly got up and let Grace slide down onto the bench.

I opened the door and Karen was obviously tired but she smirked when she saw me. "Some day, eh?" she said.

I didn't smile back.

"Karen, why was there luggage in your car? Hm? Why?"

"Will, I-"

"You were going to leave…weren't you…"


	6. Andy Hearts Edie

Sometimes when you fall asleep, you don't wake up. Sometimes you fall asleep and when you do wake up… everything is different. Things aren't the same and you know they never will be. Sometimes that's a good thing.

You pray and pray that things can just go back to what you were used to, so you wouldn't be so awfully confused anymore, but nothing happens. It remains different. It remains different for so long, it isn't really different at all anymore.

That's how I felt when she came back. Having her gone was different, it was completely terrifying and I kept telling myself over and over that I would do anything to have her back. Eventually, her being gone was nothing new and I became accustomed to it. Now she is back and I am having trouble adjusting, I can only imagine what a wreck she must be. A wreck….I mean reckless.

I didn't tell Grace and especially Jack that I had found all of her luggage packed and ready to go in the back of her car. I wouldn't do that. Not because I was protecting Karen, I was too mad at her to worry about her well being, I was really just protecting my friends. They didn't deserve that, and she knew it. Ha. I'm so weak. I try to be mad at her as I enter Grace's office. Our eyes meet. We exchange half glances and she goes back to doing work…(yeah she actually did work now! Grace said she was extremely helpful!) I walk over and put my hands over Grace's eyes and say, "Guess who!" She turns around and gives me a peck. Grace is adorable. "Hold on Will, I'll be ready in a few minutes, alright? Let me go put this junk away," she said retreating to the back room.

Karen walks over submissively and says, "Are you still mad?" I turn away from her to remain composed and angry. "Shouldn't I be?" I snap back. "I guess so, but life's too short Will, I said I was sorry, and it's not going to happen again, I'm," (she was going to say happy….) "fine here."

"Well good for you, Karen…"

Grace came out and Karen walked back over to her desk. Grace never did find out about Karen and my affair… its just easier that way I think. "Okay I need to meet the delivery man in the lobby so I'm going to take this stuff down the service elevator and then we can go."

I walked over to Karen's desk. "Where were you going to go?" I say, more collected. "Chicago." She said flatly. "Ahh," I said because I really couldn't think of anything else to follow that… What was I supposed to say? 'I hear that's where Lego-land is?'

"I miss you, Will."

I look at her sharply and her expression changes. "I missed you too… for two years I missed you."

Then Grace came back up and we left together.

I don't know why, but I said, "oh hold on I forgot something, wait here I'll be down in a sec."

Grace didn't have time to respond and I was already up the stairs. I pushed the door open and Karen was crying. Ugh, I hated when she cried. I walked over and pulled her up and kissed her. Our mouths met and I felt her knees go weak. I loved when I was able to do that. "I'm sorry," she said after I let her go. She kissed my neck and said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry,"

I could tell she really was sorry, but we both knew that sorry wasn't going to stop her from leaving again.

Take all of the color out of a picture and what is left?

Black and White.

Now all that brightens up the picture is a person's smile, or lack thereof. I have a picture of Karen. It is in black and white. She has a glass of scotch in her hand, her hair is up and she is in a little black dress. You can almost see a crimson mark on the glass from where she had drunk. A cigarette was in the same hand and she was laughing.

I don't remember at what, or who, but she was laughing.

I wanted _that _to be the Karen I remembered. She's changed so much. Really.

I don't even know the love of my life anymore.

I walked into her apartment one night and put the picture in front of her.

"Do you remember her?" I ask. She was reading a book and she set it down and looked at it, then at me. "That's me Will, of course I," "No, do you remember _her. This _Karen. I know it is you; at least, it was a version of you. I am asking if you remember her."

Her bottom lip quivered and she responded with, "No."

"Well I miss her."

I wasn't expected what came next, I don't think I could have ever expected it, "Me too." She says.

It was high pitched and "Karen-like"

I think she was finally ready to come back; let us once again befriend her. Ready to let us take her on quirky antics and love her unconditionally as we always had. I prayed she would accept it. I prayed we could fill the deep puncture in her soul and she would once again be happy Karen Walker.

She began wearing high-end suits.

She did less and less work.

Her voice raised an octave each day.

She once again made fun of Gracie's wardrobe.

Karen was back.

I could tell she was unhappy. No one else could tell but I could, I knew the signs. She was less interested in conversation and she was basically a hollowed out shell. Her soul wasn't inside her, it was somewhere far far away, somewhere where she didn't have to live up to anyone's expectations, somewhere where she could be herself and nothing more.

Simply Karen.

(That is, if that's what she chose to call herself.)

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if Karen is her real name.

I mean, she had changed it to Jackie and everyone bought it just fine. She got checks with her name on it, a new driver's license and everything, why couldn't she just have done it with us as well?

Maybe she had left some other friends behind from somewhere else. Maybe they were missing her just as much as we had. People who are restless in life have the hardest time living. They are never satisfied.

One night Karen had too much to drink and I was trying to walk her up the stairs to he bedroom.

Her dress had hardly any back to it, and it was smooth as I rested my hand on it to guide her up the creaking staircase. "Ya know, Will when I's lil girl I always thought I change the world!" she said gesturing her arms evocatively. She had hooked up with some of her old socialite friends and they were having a 60's ball. Karen looked gorgeous, like Edie Sedgwick with huge black fake eyelashes and oversized dangling earrings that touched her shoulders.

I wished I were Andy Warhol.

She reached down into her purse and pulled out a small baggy with a white powdery substance. "Come on William, do's a line witme," she slurred. I gave her a look and she knew I wasn't in the least bit interested in getting high with her, so she tried to make up by sloppily kissing me, smearing her lipstick across her check.

"Karen come on, we're going to get you to bed, okay honey?" She swatted her hand my way and I ducked, "Ya know whas wrong with these young children people t'day? No respect. They jus, jus got the easy way to do whenever whatever they want to do and is rid'clous."

"I know, we can talk about it in the morning."

I heaved her up the final stair and she fell flat on her face.

"Shit," I say to myself as I rush up and pick her up. She seems fine, hopefully she won't remember this, hell hopefully I won't remember this. She has a bloody nose when I pick her up.

At first I think it's from me carelessly letting her drop to the wooden floor, but as I take her into the bathroom and examine it, I realize that the divider between her two nostrils is no longer there. "Karen do you know that the better part of the inside of you nose is missing?" I say, not really expecting an answer from the intoxicated damsel. "Yeah, honey, its been gone for, what twenty years? How old am I? I did coke in the 80s, ha,"

I shrug my shoulders.

How can someone as beautiful as her take her body so insincerely? The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is trying to make herself ugly.

To save her, I think I have to let her go…

I didn't realize how selfish I was being.

She had been doing so good, clean, now she is back where she started, if not worse. I never remember her being this bad, this vacant. I wipe the blood from underneath her nose and send her off to bed.

I sit and watch her for a while, but I leave, like every night…

I never stay, so why should she?


	7. Euphoria

I sat across from a minister.

With a screen between us.

"What are your sins my son?" he asks. I open up a chocolate kiss and eat it. "Well, you see, father, I have this friend. Her name, her name is Karen and she is so beautiful, father, but she is just having a hard time, she is making herself have a hard time and I don't understand why, why anybody would want that."

"Is that your fault?"

I think momentarily, well pretend to, I already know the answer, "It is, father."

"Well, we will light a candle and say a prayer for her," he kisses his beads.

It was fall. Leaves were on the ground and I walked down the street, the cool wind caressing my face. Fall was always my favorite season. My birthday is in the fall, October, five days before Halloween. It wasn't too hot, sometimes too cold, but that never bothered me.

Karen was spiraling down. Everyone was afraid to say anything about it. Our affair had ended, and she had been coming into work about thirty-percent of the time. The rest she was off doing god knows what with god knows whom. She still had plenty of money. Turns out, she had never lost it, she had just pretended as if she did. I talked with her accountant, a few weeks back and she said at the rate she was spending, by January, she'd be bankrupt.

I went over to her apartment.

It was beautiful.

I knocked on the door.

"Karen, open up its Will."

Nothing.

I banged harder and then let myself in. "Hello Will!" she said. She threw her arms around me.

She had just gotten out of the shower so she was in a towel. She tried to kiss me, but she was high, so I didn't kiss back. This wasn't the Karen from before; this was the out of control Karen. She was shooting heroine to come down from speed, and snorting coke to come back up. She had track marks strewn across her arms, but they were old, she must be shooting up on her chest or thigh or something now. Lord, help me, what do I do with this woman? What will it take to let her know that I care about her?

"Oh Will, isn't the city just fabulous?" she said spinning around her apartment, swaying her arms back and forth. "I'm so glad that I came back, really, this is where I belong, Will, oh I'm so happy."

Happy?

I had another word for it…

"Take me to dinner Will, oh I'm completely famished I haven't eaten all day!"

This was Karen? If this was, I didn't remember this side of her. She had changed into Jackie, and now I wasn't sure who this Karen was, it certainly wasn't Karen Walker.

We walked into the restaurant and all eyes were on her. They always were. You look into a room and when she was in it, that's what everyone saw, she was the main attraction. She walked up to a woman I didn't know and said, "Oh hello Nicole how are you dear?" she kissed her cheek and the woman stood and said, "Hello Karen, where have you been? its been, months!"

Hmm, the woman seemed just as trashed as Karen.

"I have someone you just must meet darling, really, you would absolutely adore him, he is a writer and an athlete, Andrew where is Mark? Where did he get off to is he by the bar?"

…She must have forgotten to introduce me.

"Come along Karen, he must be getting another drink," she tugged Karen by the arm up to the bar. The woman spun a man in a stool around and Karen was face to face with him. "Karen, this is Mark Case, Mark, this is my dear friend Karen."

"Well how nice to meet you, Mark, Nicole tells me you're a writer,"

He talks quietly, so me, who is several feet back, in the shadows isn't sure what he is saying, but Karen laughs. He kisses her forearm and they go back to the table. I thought they completely forgot about me, but as they brush pass Karen grabs my wrist and I follow her.

"Well, Karen you have been awfully rude, you haven't even introduced me to your handsome friend here,"

Karen laughs uncontrollably. "Oh my goodness, this is Will," she said patting my chest. "Hello," I say finally. "Will, hello, and how are you and Miss Karen acquainted? I can't imagine you're possibly fortunate enough to be a lover, well, one that she would flaunt as seamlessly as she is, although dear you are quite handsome, handsome enough,"

I don't answer any of her questions, although I didn't really think they were rhetorical. Karen doesn't either; she just sits down in between two men I don't know.

"Will have a seat, would you? You're like a lost puppy for god sake be more social." She pulls me down into a chair. "Okay let me go around the table, "Dahlia, Carmichael, Evan," (Evan winks at me, "Lucy, and…?" The man rolls his eyes, "Burton," "Ah, and Burton, I'm sorry honey, and everyone this is Will." Before I could say 'hi,' she was onto a new topic. She talked and everyone contently listened to everything she had to say, she had a way with people. She could mold them into whatever she wanted them to be. I think she got tired of it sometimes, but never enough to actually stopped, it was a gift and she'd be dammed if she didn't put it to good use.

She was so charismatic, even when she was loaded. All eyes were on her. Everyone was completely intrigued. Everyone was in love with her; they absolutely adored her. They were all younger than her, younger than me too I assumed.

"Lucy, I love that blouse you have on," says Karen while eating the olives from her martini. "Oh and I just adore yours," Karen stands up. "We're the same size, lets switch."

Without any question the girl stands up and removes her blouse. Karen does the same. The people that were in the restaurant that weren't 'on the inside' as Karen so blatantly worded it, looked over, completely appalled. Pretty soon they were wearing each other's shirt, Karen toasted her glass to the girl and she smiled shyly, well, what these socialites considered to be shy, anyways.

I said little.

I didn't want to look stupid.

For some reason, I liked being… 'on the inside.'

I felt important.

I sat next to Dahlia and…what was his name? Oh yeah, Burton. I saw Burton stick a needle into her thigh and push, she winced a little but within minutes, she was swaying her arms back and forth to the music. A waiter came by and said, "Dahlia, knock it off, what if the cops come here, where is the sign!?"

He called to the back.

An anorexic girl with a Marilyn Monroe persona came out and set up a little wooden thing on the wall that says, _"NO Flash photography and NO drug use"_

I kind of laughed when I saw it.

These people fascinated me, but I knew I never would want to become one of them. Nights of endless parties would blur together and I would confuse my days and nights and months and seasons as Karen had been doing lately. Remembering all of the names that were shoved into my head would replace logic and inhibition.

We moved onto a party. It was in an Art Gallery uptown. There were tons of colors. Everywhere. I had almost questioned if I had done drugs because the rooms bustle made my head spin and I got the lightest sense of euphoria. A man came by and took my picture.

There were cameras all over. There were famous artists around, and musicians and every type of person I can think of…well besides losers, I guess, since they weren't allowed in.

Everyone was so beautifully glamorous, everyone looked perfect. This life seems so easy, but it must be the most stressful thing. Endless parties, an easy flow of money to live comfortably on, drugs and plenty of friends so you're never alone. But that's just what is on the surface. Beneath it all, they were all tired, you could see it in their eyes. They hated each other for helping themselves create what they all had become. They had to look perfect every night and they had to do and say the right things. They had to be individuals in a world where everyone did the same things.

It was toxic.

I suddenly realized Karen was no longer clasping my arm and was nowhere in sight so I looked for her. I went through a door made of beads and saw her bent over a mirror that was coated with white powder. A man was feeling her breast and it was as if she didn't even notice, or pretended not to, or she just didn't care. I cared.

I lifted her up and said, "Come on Karen," she threw me off of her, "Oh Will would you just relax and have some fun,"

For a second…well a fragment of a second I wanted to do a line myself… takes the edge off a little, to blur reality. But I tightened my grip around her wrist and said, "Come on with me, okay?"

She gave in. I took her outside, to an alley. "I wanted to talk with you Karen, I thought dinner would sober you up a bit, but that was a stupid mistake." There was a window. I cleaned it off with my sleeve and I made her look into it, to see her reflection. "Look at yourself,"

"What is my hair messed up?" she said sarcastically.

"You look beautiful, Karen, you're gorgeous,"

She put her head down but I put my hand under her chin, so she would be looking at herself once more, "stop trying to make yourself ugly."

She turned around. She wiped the lipstick off of her lips and looked back in the mirror. She wiped away the eye make-up and said, "I think that it's too late."


	8. He Loves me She Loves me Not

"No, no I'm not that bad Will, I am not going to rehab,"

Karen had panic in her eyes. I felt bad for her, I almost wanted to tell her she didn't have to do anything that she didn't want to, but I cared about the woman so much I wanted what was best for her. "You need to go to get off of these drugs Karen, for gods sake look at you, your nose is bleeding, you're in an alley, and if I weren't here I don't know how you'd get home."

"Will, I can take care of myself," she stumbled and I caught her, how ironic that she would need me to catch her just then.

She fell to the cold ground and began to weep. "You don't love me, you don't love me," she repeated over and over again as I held her and ran my fingers soothingly through her hair. "Shh," I told her, "everything is going to be okay, I'm going to fix it."

So many people wanted to take care of Karen, really, they all did, but they didn't realize what a job that was.

Karen was like this powerful woman, she was so strong she had a loud voice and a loud personality, when you walked into a room and Karen was there, Karen was what you saw, but she was really just so fragile, so vulnerable to the world.

When you get a troubled child that turns into a beautiful woman and you throw her into the threshold of the world, there is bound to be trouble.

Poor little rich girl, she was just a poor little rich girl.

I almost needed to help her, there are just some of people you're just stuck with, whether you like it or not, because you have this connection that is almost indescribable. I had this with Karen, I had this with Jack and Grace too, but they were more stable, more able to function in this world, Karen didn't belong here, she was just…I don't know.

Karen.

Grace went over to help her pack for the rehab clinic. It wasn't too far away, but it was away from her friends, enough. Away from the crowd that controlled her life, well actually it was a lack of control that they professed.

I went to go pick her up to bring her.

I went to her fancy apartment and I walked inside. There was different drug paraphernalia scattered across the coffee table and every other surface. Needles, pills, bags of I don't know.

"Karen?" I walked in. There were fancy unworn clothes all across the floor, tags still on. There was make up all over, bottles of liquor, empty bottles of liquor. "Karen are you ready to go?"

No answer.

I went into her bedroom.

Nothing.

Fuck.

I picked up my phone. "Grace she's gone. I don't know! Ok, Okay. See you,"

I flipped the phone shut.

"Shit," I walked out.

I met Grace a block over at the café and she hugged me tightly. "Where could she have gone to?"

I showed Grace the coat in my hands, "She didn't even bring her coat Grace she's probably freezing,"

We looked all over, we went to all the restaurants where she usually went, we split up and searched the alleys and streets and everywhere she could possibly be.

Leaves blew across the ground and I followed one, it was an auburn color, it found a pair of feet, bare legs shaking, I followed them up and a woman, short sleeves, shivering.

I went to her, "Get the fuck away from me Will! Just leave me alone, I can do this on my own I don't need you!" She said, it was ironic how much she did; she reached over for her coat, "I'm sorry I made you come back," I stood next to the shaking woman, so fragile, she was. I didn't grab her and force her into a cab to go to the clinic, I just, talked with her. "Will," she was once again the apprehensive, submissive girl I loved, I didn't see heroine in her eyes when she smiled and clasped my hand and cried on my shoulder.

"How do you make someone do something, if they don't want to? Even if you know it's the only thing that can save them," I ask her. She doesn't answer; she doesn't have to. "I'm not ready to go yet, Will, give me awhile, let me stay with you a few days and then we can see where I am,"

I don't disagree with her, I'm just glad she is coming home with me. We begin to walk and we see Grace. The coat is draped over Karen's shoulders. Grace doesn't say anything as we pass her, she just gives a concerned look to me, I retaliate with an 'I got this under control' look, and she went home.

I think Karen smiled when she saw Grace, when she saw how concerned her friends were for her.

I brought Karen up to my apartment and she lay down on the couch and slept for 15 hours. She woke up at 7 the next morning. I was making her breakfast, I was hoping she would get up and start moving around, maybe regaining some of her strength, getting some of the stuff out of her system.

"What time is it?" she asks. It is funny she is concerned about the time, I don't know why but I chuckle to myself. Time, it truly is a mystery I tell her it is seven oh two and she stirs on the couch and finally gets up, her knees wobble and she reaches to an invisible wall for support and balance. She makes it over to the counter and helps herself to some coffee. "My hands are throbbing," she said trivially. Drug addiction was no big deal to Karen, to her it was just away of life. She spent so many years being surrounded by it; it just became a normal series of events.

Passing out drunk, taking speed to get over hangovers.

"When I was little, I thought all of this high society was all so, glamorous, so wonderfully intriguing. We were always so poor I just wanted to be rich. I wanted to smoke out of a long black cigarette holder and pull my hair back and wear rings and necklaces from Tiffany's. I wanted a rich husband and loads of friends. I wanted to spend my nights dancing at fancy affairs and drink cocktails with other rich women."

She wasn't looking at me, I didn't even know if she was really talking to me, I mean, obviously she was talking to me, but I wasn't sure if she was talking for me, I think she was talking for her, she was talking out loud about all of the things that she had suppressed while doing another line of blow before work.

"But, it's not that way at all. People think we have it so easy, Will, but I don't know, this life is just exhausting, poor little rich girl, right? Once you're on the inside, you aren't feeling glamorous anymore because you're so focused on trying to appear glamorous to everyone else. It's a vicious cycle; my days are endless, party after party, drink after drink, casual sex and secret society. I always thought this was for me, and I always belonged so much, but the reason I think that I am unhappy; Will is because this isn't me. I had to realize what I lost and regain it in order to realize this isn't who I am, Will, I'm not a poor little rich girl. I think I'm ready to go to rehab."

We packed her things and took her.

Jack and I, we drove her, Gracie really did want to come but she was really loaded with work, she had gotten used to a helpful Karen that she started to slack off a bit and now it was really piling on.

I parked the car to help her with her luggage. Jack got out too, her hands were trembling and I kissed her forehead and promised her that everything was going to be okay.

Jack waited by the car for some reason; I think he knew that it was mine and Karen's moment, or something. Sometimes he was smart without even realizing it. He couldn't tell what we were saying, but he saw me kiss her, he saw me kiss Karen right on the lips and I didn't even care, neither did she though, she didn't back away.

She was really at rock bottom I don't think a passionate kiss between herself and an alleged gay man was at the top of her list of things to worry about. I whispered something in her ear and got her to laugh. I won't tell you, what, but it made her laugh.

She had three laughs, Karen did.

One laugh was her fake laugh; she did it at parties and most of the time in conversation.

The second one was when Grace or Jack made her laugh, or when she watched I love Lucy or heard a funny "joke" from Smitty her bartender, it had no sound she just opened her mouth really big. I liked when she did that, I could never help but smile.

The third one was sweet, it was a smile, but it was more than that, she would laugh just barely, and it was when I would whisper sweet nothings into her ear. I would give anything to do that all day, whisper in her ear and make her smile, make everything better.

This laugh was the third one. I brushed hair away from her face and kissed her cheek, she went inside, accompanied by some people.

It would be two months until I saw her again, minimum. It would be hard because I would miss her, but I would miss her much more if I had lost her, which would have happened completely if she hadn't gone.

I had a good feeling driving back in perfect sweet silence. Jack reached over and grabbed my hand, "She'll be okay Will, she's strong."

Karen wasn't strong, she was just a little girl trapped in a woman's body, she wasn't strong at all, but I think she was strong enough.


	9. The Rehab Chronicles

I wasn't sure what I was going to do without her. Taking care of her and begun to consume my days. Now that looking after her was no longer in my schedule I didn't know how to spend my time anymore. So I spent it thinking about her, worrying if she was all right, if they treated her good, and if she was going to get out anytime soon.

It made me wonder why I was always the one being left behind, I was always the one caring instead of being cared for. I'm not complaining, mind you, I don't know I just would like to know what it is like to be that person; the one everyone is fussing over.

Everything was going great; she had been gone for two weeks when I got a phone call, "Will Truman? Hello this is Shirley from Aspen Hill, I'm calling on behalf of Karen Walker,"

My heart stopped.

"Yes?" I managed.

I was home alone and if something terrible happened to her, happened to my Karen I don't know how I could manage to go on, I wish someone else were here with me.

"Well she had a bit of an accident today,"

"Accident? What kind of accident?"

The woman's voice on the other end was calming, it was calm and deviating, it sounded like one, which had many years of experience. "Don't worry Mr. Truman, she is fine, its just that she got caught with some cocaine in her bag, she says that she didn't have it there on purpose and she said that they must have missed it when they checked it when she first arrived, but,"

"But what? You didn't believe her?"

"Well, Mr. Truman, drug addicts lie all of the time, and there is no way that we missed it, we do thorough checks, with drug addicts of her nature we use dogs trained to find such things, it had been placed there after."

There was a pause; she was letting this sink in.

"Well, what if someone else put it there?"

"Will," she used my first name, "Miss Walker is a drug addict, I know that is hard to get a grasp on but no one put it there, okay? Everyone here is trying to get better and no one is trying to get each other into any sorts of trouble. Drugs addicts lie, to strangers, to doctors, even to ones they love," I knew she must have given this speech over and over again.

"I'm going to put Karen on the phone now, don't let her talk you into anything crazy like coming to get her, they do that a lot, especially younger kids, but you just have to be strong and know that this is the best thing for her,"

She was putting Karen on the phone? They were allowed to do that?

"Hello?"

She sounded different, meeker, quiet, reserved, she didn't have the doped up state of confidence anymore; it was just raw and inhibited Karen.

"Hey sweetie," I say. I am mad at her though; I mean cocaine? I thought she wanted to get better! Not that I don't understand how hard it is for her, I mean she has had a drug dependency for years, on and off, it must be extremely difficult to know this was the end of the road.

"Will, you have to come get me these people are idiots! They just want to keep us here so they can take our money! Really, Will, I didn't put that blow there, they planted it on me just for an excuse to call you to make it sound right that I'd be here an extra five weeks! What the fuck,"

I wanted to say 'I'm on my way, I'll see you soon,' but I remembered what the nurse said and I replied to her with, "Kare, you have to stick it out, okay? Be strong. They are trying to make you better, they aren't going to put any cocaine in your bag,"

She was silent for a moment. "What, you don't believe me?"

"Karen,"

"No, fuck you Will! When I get out of here, don't even bother coming to get me! I don't want to talk to you ever again!"

There was that voice again, the desperate addicted voice that I feared so much.

She hung up the phone.

I threw my phone across the apartment and it shattered the mirror above the fireplace. I stood and looked at it for a moment, but then I went and put on my coat and walked out the door.

Three hours later, Jack tapped on my shoulder, "Will, what is going on? I have been calling your cell for the past two hours! Grace and I saw the mess in your apartment and we were worried, is everything okay?"

I spun around in the chair, I almost lost balance but Jack grabbed my arms and I steadied. "Oh, shhhure every thins jus fine, Jack," I touched his face. He gave me a funny look, "Will, are you drunk?"

I laughed a little, "I dunno, am I drunk? Ya know, the rehab little place thing called today, Karen was doin coke, ha ya, and Karen told me she doesn't want to see me ever again,"

"Oh Will, she is just not healthy right now, she doesn't mean it, really,"

"What do you know, Jack? You didn't even know that she had a prollm till I wen and told you! So, you can just don't even try and help me,"

"Will, come on with me, okay? Grace is looking for you in the bar next door, we are going to take you back to my place tonight okay?"

I stood up and went with him, I didn't see why not.

"Thank you, Jack for goin through all of um that er trouble, trouble, to come al the way down to this this bar and to get me," I patted his back and he said, "I know, I'm a good friend, and so are you, Will, now come on, ya gotta help me walk here or else we're not going anywhere,"

I don't remember what happened after that, but I remember waking up in Jack's apartment, on the couch with a pounding headache.

I didn't want to get up just yet. I heard voices. Was I going crazy? No they were real, it was Jack and Grace, "Jack, I'm worried about him! I mean, this whole Karen thing has been so hard on him, look at him, he is getting drunk at strange bars, he broke his mirror at home and he didn't even clean it up! I just don't know what to do!"

"I don't think there is anything we can do, Grace, I think this is between Will and Karen I don't know, I think only they can fix each other we just have to step back and hope for the best,"

I stood up quickly; it made them jump a little. "Why am I here?" I said loudly, I knew why I was there though. "Um, ya had just a little too much to drink last night, Will, so we thought it'd be better if you stayed here where we can keep an eye on you,"

Was Grace holding Jack's hand?

Was Grace living with Jack now?

When did that start? How did I not know that? Yeah, she had all of her stuff lying around his apartment, she was. "Why don't you want to live with me anymore, Grace? Did Jack take my place?"

She didn't see this coming.

I think she didn't realize how tuned out of the real world I had been lately, Karen had become my world, I didn't know anything besides her. Everything was taking shape now, Jack and Grace, it used to be Will and Grace.

I didn't have time to care anymore. Grace answered but I just held my head, I didn't hear anything she said, "Grace I have to go, I have to go now," I said to her.

"Where are you going, Will?" asks Jack. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know, but I leave, and I slam the door behind me.

As I get a few blocks over I realize they were only trying to help I didn't mean to explode on them like that, and then I stopped, I abruptly stopped. I sounded like Karen. Shouting when people try to help, I didn't want to end up like her. I heard my name being called and I turned around and Grace was shouting after me.

"Will, baby, stop, please," she pleaded. I fell to the ground, a few people stared but they just kept walking, selfishly going about their own day, unconcerned about how fucked up mine has gotten. "I don't want to end up like Karen, I just love her so much, Grace, I just love her so much,"

"Shh, baby its okay, everything will be just fine,"

We ended up in a coffee shop. It was getting more and more cold out.

That night I went out for dinner, I went where Karen took me that night, the night it all went wrong. I recognized a lot of faces, I remember being sloppily introduced to everyone, but everyone, in their drunken state of mind probably didn't think much of it.

"Will?" said a woman. Dahlia, I think her name was. "Dahlia?" I ask. She kisses my cheeks, "Oh how nice to see you again, honey, please sit down with us!"

I was tempted to.

I can see why Karen enjoyed this life.

This socialite scene.

I sat down, but I kept telling myself I wouldn't stay.

"Where is the divine one? Where is Karen?"

Oh, right this is why I was here. "She is in rehab." I say blankly. The whole table quiets, all eyes are on me. "Ha, women always crack under pressure," says one flamboyantly gay guy, I think he was the one whose name no one could remember, I only think that because I really could not remember his name, "Crack under pressure?" I ask. He put a finger over one nostril and pretends to do a line, "yeah, crack" the table laughed.

"Do you people think that it is funny that Karen was addicted to drugs?"

They all just stared at me now, a few of them laughed. "You were supposed to be her friends, you are supposed to take care of her, but look where she is, she is miserable, and you guys are here laughing at her?" I was yelling now, people from other tables where staring. "You fucked her up!" I shouted at them.

"Listen, man, I barely know you, who are you to come in here all high and mighty telling us how we fucked her up?" he stood up as well. "Look, you can't blame anyone else for the choices SHE made…SHE made the choices, life choices that I'm guessing she regrets, don't come in here and blame US for what a fuck up she's become, all right? You're her friend too."

I left.

I got out to the street. Dahlia followed me out, she had bright red lips and short blonde hair, bright blue eyes that were hazy from the drug, "Um, tell Karen that Dahlia says hi, please, and if she needs anything, anything at all, to let me know, alright?" I wanted to hug her, she just sweetly kissed my cheek and went back inside, back to the world she hated.

A month passed.

I read in the paper that Dahlia had died, they weren't sure if it was an accident or a suicide, but it was a drug overdose.

It made me very sad for some reason, I even cried. I didn't even know her. But I knew he enough, she was me, she was Karen.

Karen had called me on the phone and apologized for what she had said, and like always, I forgave her, without question, I forgave her. Karen was telling me about how excited she was for graduation, coming up. She was very excited to see all of us, and she couldn't wait to show us how good she was doing.

I wanted to tell her how proud I was of her, which was really all she wanted to hear, but I just said, "See you Sunday, Karen, I love you." And I hung up.

Who knows if she'll stay off of the drugs, I hope she does, I really do, and I mean, so good so far, right?

She was staying around New York though and it worried me because that was where she had the most trouble, she will be tempted to go back with her old friends, the ones that enabled her addiction.

I believed that she really did want to stop though, she sounded so happy on the phone, so hopeful. I think she really took a look at herself in the mirror and realized this wasn't what she wanted.

Karen was strong and I believed that everything would be okay again; finally, everything would be okay. I would scoop her up in my arms and take her home with me, and I would take care of her and she would take care of herself.

The day was cold; it was a bitter fall day. Thanksgiving decorations were hung around the lazy street. The sun was just rising and I was packing up the car for our long trip ahead of us. Karen was willing to take the train down, but I really wanted to pick her up, so I insisted. Jack and Grace insisted on coming as well. "Now, I want Karen to be able to sit in the front with me," I say. I sound like a little kid, all excited and whatnot, but I just can't help it. I'm so happy that she is better, and that I get to see her.

Karen had agreed to stay with me until we cleaned out her apartment.

I had fixed Grace's old room just perfectly, I was up all night making sure everything would be just right for her homecoming. "Everything will be fine!" Says sweet Grace, I leaned over and kissed her. Grace had been coming around my house more and more; she had even stayed the night a few times. I think everyone was getting back on track. Back to the way things were supposed to be.

"Oh hold on I forgot my coffee," said Jack. He ran back up to my apartment, I waited in the car and honked the horn and yelled to him, "Come on we're going to be late!" as he left the building. He waved his hand at me dismissively and got into the car, "Will, we're going to be early," he says.

"Hm, I'm not sure if I remember how to get there," I admit. Grace and Jack exchange a look through the mirror.

Don't worry; I'll get there.

I'll find her.


	10. Real Emotional Girl

She had more color in her face. She had gained some weight back, and she looked gorgeous as always.

She ran up and threw her arms around Grace first, I was taking my time behind the car to collect myself so I didn't cry, I really didn't want to cry, I don't know I was just so proud of her.

Sometimes she got this distant look on her, as if the world for her had just stopped or reversed or went forward or something, but she wasn't there. She had this look the whole way back. She gazed out of the side window, in silence. Jack and Grace were asleep in the back, Jack was drooling all over Grace's shoulder, I would say something but it was funnier that way. "So, you're feeling better?" I ask meekly. She laughs a little, "Yeah I guess you can say that. Look I'm sorry for yelling at you like I did, I just, I don't know it was the drugs talking, I'm really sorry."

She didn't have to apologize, I don't know, maybe she did.

Either way, hearing it made me feel better.

We got back to my house. Grace and Jack went home. It was just Karen and I, alone again. It wasn't really awkward; it didn't feel like she just got out of rehab, it just felt like she took a little vacation or something. "Do you want some coffee?" I ask her. She says, "no thanks… would you just come sit with me?" I went over to the couch and put my arm around her, it didn't feel like much time passed, but when I looked over at the window, it was dark.

Finally, I thought, finally she was just mine. She was off the drugs, she would finally be content and stay with me and we would be together forever. No matter how much she hurt me I couldn't turn away from her because I just loved her so much. I guess this is love. I don't know, but if this wasn't, I don't care what love really is, because nothing could beat this.

For a moment I almost forgot she was Karen, I thought she was a woman I could truly love and who could love me fully in return, but it was Karen, after all, and she had to remind me of that just as I had almost forgot.

"Will I'm leaving,"

I sighed.

I should have seen it coming; it was Karen, after all.

"Kare, let me come with you, please, let me come with you," I beg her. I kiss each one of her fingers delicately and she shuts her eyes, but she opens them and takes her hand back.

Her sweet little hands.

"I have to stay off the drugs, and I can't do it around here,"

"I'll come with you, anywhere you want to go, I'll go with Karen, please let me go with you, I can't lose you again."

"You belong here, this is your life, you're happy, Will, please let me go."

What is this world? Look what its done to this woman. I was so angry, so angry at everything. Look what she had to resort to, she was such a beautiful girl, she is a beautiful girl but she is just so sad, those distant eyes that never really looked at you.

What were they looking at? People who try to change the way the world sees things, just are always so depressed, so frustrated and restless. It never really works, people don't change; they can't. There is just a select group that's just… free, that are so uninhibited, and when you put chains on those people they cry.

"Here's the deal, Will. In one year, exactly one year from tomorrow if you still want to come with me, you can meet me under the Eiffel Tower. If you don't come, than I'll assume you've moved on with your life. Goodbye, Will."

She gathered her things and I let her walk out the door.

One year…I can wait, I've waited longer for her.

The next morning my house felt even more empty than usual, Karen should be just opening her eyes and coming in for some coffee and eggs, but she wasn't there. Grace walked in, "Morning!" she said with the burst of energy that always seemed to possess her. "Oh I'm sorry," she lowered her voice, "Is Karen still asleep?"

I shook my head.

"She's gone, Grace."

Grace sat down.

Jack barged in next.

"Grace did you check our messages? Karen left one, she said she's leaving," but he looked at our facial expressions and saw that we already knew, we knew she had gone.

I think it was more expected this time, of them. Not only because it had happened before but under her circumstances, we didn't really anticipate her stay.

For me, it was more of a surprise than before, I was so ready to start my life with her, I wanted her to marry me, I wanted her to be my wife and have my children. Just one more year, and I can have that.

I can have that?

I thought about what I was trying to do.

What did Karen want? I don't think she really did want to settle down, to marry, to have me as her husband. I think she just wanted to live, live freely, to do whatever she wanted when she wanted to do it.

…..a year passed….


	11. Goodbye, Love

The name Karen Walker had become foreign to me, for no one dared utter it. I knew though, I knew, that she was on everyone's mind. Grace never removed her empty desk; she just threw some swatches on it. Jack still looked up at her bedroom window when we passed the manse.

It was as if she was there, just invisible, or something, and no one dared speak her name.

I don't know. She was a ghost.

I felt her with me sometimes, I felt her sweet breathe on my neck, I heard her humming in the hall as I was drifting off to sleep, and I could hear her heels click in the kitchen while I was sitting on the couch reading by the fire.

The year mark was coming up; I was getting ready for my trip to Paris. No, I hadn't forgotten about our rendezvous. It hadn't been far from my thoughts this past year. A year can seem SO long, it can seem like it is just taking forever but once it is passed, you almost always wish it had been longer, or that you could go back and do something differently. Not this year, this year wasn't necessarily in the game plan for me, it was kind of just my year to breathe.

I packed for Paris. I was ready to go. Grace and Jack weren't sure why I was going; they figured leisure. I got to the airport and I had butterflies in my stomach, I wasn't sure why, for some reason, I knew that what I was going to find in Paris was hardly what I was looking for, but maybe closure, maybe something. No, no I didn't want to think that way, it was going to be perfect, Karen and I would be together once more and it would be just perfection.

How old was Karen when she left? 48? 36? I don't know, she is ageless, her beauty surpasses time, her life is immortal. On the plane ride I thought about her incessantly, she's chronic.

So I get there, I'm in Paris. I get to my hotel and I take a shower. Very chill; very mellow.

I get dressed, I put on my button up black shirt, my nice black pants, I fix my hair just right, and I walk out the door. I buy a rose from a little store on the corner by my hotel and I walk to the tower. It isn't too far from where I am and I'm enjoying the weather. It is a nice breeze, not too chilly. I hold the rose between my fingers and twirl it; I picture what it would look like between her teeth, behind her ear, in her sweet little hands.

There are several people around the structure, tourists I imagine, just like me. Then you have your various couples just taking in the romantic notion of their surroundings. Then there is me, looking for that one familiar face. She wasn't there, I didn't expect her to be, but I looked anyways.

I set the rose on the ground. That would seem silly, I suppose. Yes it does seem silly, even when I'm thinking about it now. Why didn't I just wait? Why didn't I wait for my Karen to come and hand it to her? Because she wasn't coming. I don't doubt that she wanted to, I knew she wanted to come, I knew she meant to be here, with me, tonight, but she couldn't be.

She got out of rehab and left the next day…that February I got the call saying Karen had died of an overdose.

As I stand under this tower, I remember her more than ever. Her smile, the way she spoke, the way she tossed her hair back onto the pillow. She was too good for this world. She didn't belong here. She knew she wasn't going to have a full life. No matter how old she was when she died, it was never enough for her because she was just so, I don't know, angelic. February, her birthday was in February, she would have been one year older. But age doesn't apply to her. Numbers aren't in her vocabulary, she just was, she was beautiful and that was all that mattered. Her ups and downs were just apart of who she was.

I once asked her how the woman behind the ass-kicking wardrobe was, it seemed like a lifetime ago, and to her, it was. She replied with something and added, "and a little lost." She was so lost, and I tried to bring her back, I tried so hard to get her life back on track, but it was forlorn.

I remember her now more than ever and I look around, trying to find her face among the others, but I know there is no hope. That pretty face is somewhere else now; it is where she had belonged all along. I hope she is happy now, I hope her restlessness was calmed by the only one who knows how to sooth a wandering soul.

I hope he takes better care of her than I did.

I tried; I really tried.

_**WELL THAT'S THAT STORY. I THINK I LIKE IT, I'M FAIRLY PROUD OF IT. THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS REVIEWED, I REALLY APPRECIATE IT, AND SPECIAL THANKS TO PAM WHO HELPED ME IMMENSELY. **_


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